The generation GAP is such an inadequate term. A gap is
something walkable, that one can overcome. A gap implies ease and small steps
to cover. A bridge however, requires work, to build and then to walk. A longer
distance and so much more efforts.
With parents, especially Indian parents, it is a generation
bridge and takes a while, if ever crossed successfully. You have the parents on
one end of the bridge, and the kids on the other.
Most days it is a tug of war, none willing to cross and each
looking for ways to have the other person cross over. Talks, compromises,
negotiations… fights, rages and violence. All the cards come into play. And
then comes the final card, the emotional blackmail card. The opposing party has
lost no matter what side he chooses.
Emotional blackmail is the card where the superior party, in
India often the parents play on the emotions of the kids:
“Get married, we are getting older”
“Study, who else will look after us,”
“Don’t go out so late, you know I can’t sleep till you’re
back home’
“Don’t drink; those are not the values I brought you up
with”
“Go to the temple, it’s what I have imbibed in you since you
were a kid so live up to it’
Or things on the same line.
It’s my least favourite card. It is when all logic goes out
the door and the decisions of the kids are then used to quantify the love for
the parents.
The Indian culture has for long revered and admired parents
and the society and the rich cultures and traditions that each generation
brings with them. Having said that Indian culture doesn’t give space to
individuality. It doesn’t cater to an individual’s freedom and the same are
shunned upon and oppressed by the society and in many cases the families. Kids
are either supressed and made to follow the traditional way, or they are always
chastised and condemned to live in guilt for not ‘loving their families enough’
and the worst, ‘bringing shame to the families’
There are widespread cases of child marriages, suicides due
to parental pressure, honour killings (though I don’t know how that one got its
name, for there is absolutely no honour in killings), dowries, etc. all because
we fail to realise what is good or not good for us and our families.
It is a loss-loss situation for the kid. He is either
condemned to doing something he never wanted to do or he has to live with the
guilt of hurting his family.
Then there are the miracles. The families that have learnt
it the hard way or easy way, whichever. The ones that have recognized individuality
appreciated and whole heartedly supported them. The lucky few chosen kids get
to make their mistakes, learn from them, and live with their own mistakes and
the best part, with the full backing of their families.
I know my rant sounds one sided. It is one sided even in my
head.
And I also, know the fact, that parents only and truly love
their children and want nothing but the best. But their perspectives are marred
by the expectations of the society and the unwillingness to stand by their kids
for something so clearly shunned by the society.
The fear of being condemned wrong by the society. Their love
is marred by the opinions of a hypocritical and non-existent society.
I love my parents. I truly do. I have struggled in the past
few years to cross the bridge. I think we both have. They struggle to
understand my dreams and I struggle to understand their expectations. They
struggle to understand my sense of freedom while I struggle to understand their
clear and apparent gender bias. They struggle to understand how they brought up
a daughter with dreams so different and wrong, while I struggle to understand
why they wish that my brother would want my dreams.
It is a difficult struggle. It is a war at times, and it is
a grudging and unwilling pact at times.
We live through it each day, will maybe one of us crosses
over or give up trying to cross over. Time shall tell.
